You make me, make me hungry again.

Saturday I had a very good night.

I went out for a friend’s birthday expecting just a fun night among friends and then Edward called me. He ended up joining us much to my delight.

He thrills me. He’s so attractive. And other people seem to notice how attracted we are to each other. Before, someone “jokingly” proposed a foursome with him, me and their partner. Again, on Saturday, someone else made a joke about Edward and I joining him and his wife in their bed.

We laugh about it to each other saying we’re the only ones who get to experience how hot it is together.

And hot it is indeed.

Edward is really opening up to me. He kept making comments, that night, about future things we will do together. He also discussed how if I hadn’t had plans he was going to invited me to a friend’s of his party. He also held my hand and kissed me at the bar we were at. For Edward, to show any PDA, is huge. Then, he invited me over to sleep in his bed that night. He told me, a month ago, that I would never be allowed to sleep in his bed as he finds sleeping with another person to uncomfortable so I felt this was a major step in the right direction.

When we got to his house we changed to sleep. I was wearing a shirt of his, which clung to my curves for dear life, and my panties while he stripped down to his boxers. He apologized that he was not feeling very sexual as he must wake up in a few hours to go mountain biking with another in the morning. I said that was absolutely fine. I just want to sleep with him.

We laid in bed, chit-chatting and I was feeling ready to drift off to sleep. I lay my head on his chest but I knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. His heart was beating so hard. I wasn’t sure why. I rolled over to try to sleep as he held me close.

Then, all of a sudden, we were making out. Our tongues hungry for each other. My body aching for his. We are so forceful together – biting, pulling on my hair, digging our nails into each other, playing at each other’s nipples. I know, sexually, he is a great match for me as he moans when I use force. Few men have enjoyed this. And, I’ve made it no secret how much I enjoy being manhandled.

He pushed his fingers inside of me as I squirmed, moaning. He went down on me. I felt dangerously close to cumming. I just feel so much pressure though. I’ve never cum with a man other than my ex-fiance so I feel it would be a big deal for Edward to make me cum.

But I want him to.

I’ve made a vow to stop masturbating until I cum with him. A little game, I’ve decided to play, with myself.

I then reciprocated. His cock is perfect, I must say. Perfect length, I’m guessing 7.5″, and the width is just right. He was obviously thrilled by my skills. He kept moaning “Oh my god” but just as he was about to cum, he pushed me off. Maybe he doesn’t want to cum with me until I do? He told me he was most impressed by me. This made me beam since Edward rarely compliments.

Our bodies move in such perfect unison, I can’t wait to have sex with him. In fact, I almost proposed that he just enter me that night but I’m glad he suggested we be “good boys and girls.” I want to really let this linger.

As he said this, we sat on his bed, our limbs intertwined. I was amazed at how much I enjoy being sexual with him. I felt this hunger that I hoped would never be satisfied completely.

I never feel so hungry for another. My body, my loins, felt so heated, aching for him. He told me he was sorry to leave me in such a state (after we initiated things once again when his alarm went off) but I said that while it’s a bit unsatisfied of a feeling, it feels so good to feel so sexually alive.

The Cure – “Why Can’t I Be You?”

August 27, 2007. dating, Edward, everything but, Just friends, love, making out, masturbation, oral sex, PDA, sexual guilt, single, The Cure. Leave a comment.

But maybe I’m crazy. Maybe you’re crazy. Maybe we’re crazy.

About a month ago, I briefly dated this guy who I was falling for hard, fast. There is a back story to why we stopped seeing each other for a while and I will share that in my next post.

I shall refer to this man as “Edward” because he resembles Edward Norton very much – much to my delight! Edward has so many qualities I look for in a man: physically he is my type (tall, very slender), he’s well-read, cultured, sensitive, adventurous….

But, and it’s a major but, he’s a little fucked in the head. Maybe I’m being generous. He is fucked in the head. Period.

He is a very confused person, in general. He’s confused about his personality, what he wants in a relationship, his sexuality, me….I could go on and on.

In relation to his personality, he admits to fragmenting his personality and presenting each part to different people. With me his is “Proper Edward” and yes, while a well-spoken man is very attractive to me, it can come off as artificial and judgmental. I told him last night I would be happy with seeing his other sides as well. I think he would like to share them with me. He told me maybe I can show him how to unify his personality. (I feel this is a sign he truly wants to let me in. And I’m working on letting him in.)

He also admits he has concerns about his lack of long-term relationships and his ability to commit to another person. He has a lot of emotional boundaries. His only long relationship (a year) ended very badly and it left him very damaged when he already had intimacy issues. He said it took close to a year for him to feel he was truly opening up to her. And this was prior to her leaving him emotionally wrecked.

On this point though, I have to wonder what his intentions are with me. Does he want to be “just friends” ahem, friends with benefits? Does he want to seriously date me? He did insinuate he would like to get involved with me but he’s nervous because I “may cheat” on him. So that means he would want to be exclusive with me. I assured him I have no problem being faithful to someone.

Finally, He’s confused about himself in a major way – his sexuality. He is bisexual but he doesn’t feel he has gotten to explore himself in this area very well. I know he wants to. I cannot help him with this. Unless some male-female-male threesomes are in our future. One caveat: I do not want to be ignored! So, both men must be bisexual for me to agree to this.

But I don’t think one could call me the “normal” one.

I’m afraid to let him in. I’m afraid of falling for him and him hurting me very badly. So I play these games and act I don’t really care about him. I easily put up my defenses and spin his words.

Also, I have a mental block that doesn’t allow me to cum when we are being sexual. I think it has to do with the fact I have only orgasmed with my ex-fiance. He fingered and ate me out simultaneously and I must admit he made me feel crazy with desire. At that moment, I want his fingers inside of me for forever.

I also didn’t want to have sex with him because I fear I may fall in love with him. I’m really protective of myself around him. I feel on edge. Maybe it’s in response to his fears.

He later referred to us both as “headfucks.” And I must agree. We both put up a lot of walls. We get to this point where we’re both being pretty open and then bam! the wall is hit and we shut down and shut the other person out.

So what business do we have wanting to date the other?

One thing that we agreed on that may provide forshadowing and illuminate why we’re interested in one another: We both believe, on some level, that the greatest loves also torment.

Last night, after we were sexual, he stayed in my bed and held me, sweetly holding my hand as well. It made me feel like we were getting close to each other despite our walls. He announced he would be going home (he’s allergic to cats and I have one) but kept emphasizing he had a really great time with me. He asked me if I would like to hang out this weekend but I’m not sure if I can. But I do very much look forward to seeing him, holding him, kissing him, undressing him…..again.

I’m not sure what I’m doing here but it feels so good being around him. So I’m going to keep doing this. Even if I get hurt in the end.

Yep, maybe I’m crazy.

Gnarls Barkley – “Crazy”

August 23, 2007. casual sex, dating, Edward, everything but, Ex-fiance, Gnarls Barkley, love, making out, music, oral sex, relationship, sex, sexual guilt, single. 2 comments.

Hey I’ve been thinking of a new sensation…I’m picking up good vibration…Oh! She Bop!

Recently, I began reading Men in Love by Nancy Friday. This is a key book on men’s sexuality. Of course, women’s sexuality is discussed as well to compare and contrast.

In the chapter on masturbation, Friday writes, “Telling her [women in general] to masturbate now is like telling her to get used to substituting self-stimulation for the love of another person” (38). This reminds me of a blog I recently commented on: www.sexnlovebites.wordpress.com. The author muses that she wishes she could separate sex from love.  Often times, women feel they must be unlovable unsexy losers for masturbating. In fact, you’ll often hear women say, in reaction to many men’s defensiveness over vibrators (a whole discussion unto itself), that a vibrator cannot cuddle with them after they orgasm. Sexuality and affection is very tied for women. Therefore, sometimes, for some women, sex without a partner seems perverse.

Men, on the other hand, view jacking off as just another option in the realm of sexuality. It took me a long time but I now see masturbation as a viable, sometimes preferable, option.I never masturbated – not once – prior to losing my virginity. One can say that prior to “going all the way,” my “everything but” sexuality left me very stunted sexually.

However, after I began having sex, I wanted to explore my sexuality more. My ex-fiancé is far from sexually adventurous so well, that left with me with myself. Our sex life was very lacking, in my opinion, and usually sex with him just seemed like a chore.We literally had sex about once a month. My ex-fiancé thought he was dating a woman with absolutely no sex drive but, in reality, I simply preferred she-bopping to sex with him. He was incredibly threatened by the idea of me masturbating so I never revealed to him the truth. Of course, with my background of sexual guilt, his attitude didn’t help things but I pursued because masturbating was usually more fulfilling than sex with him. For a number of reasons. While I always came with him, sometimes it just seemed not worth the effort on my part. He always brought me to orgasm through oral sex but actual intercourse never lasted more than oh three MINUTES. So, it didn’t seem worth the mess, really.

Now, that I’m single, masturbation is usually preferable because sexuality with a partner involves emotional entanglement on some level, even if you don’t want it to. Additionally, an orgasm is simply a quick, easy means for relaxation. Finally, masturbation can be seen as a preventative measure for the single! Sometimes, I just want to get off. I would rather masturbate too then become so lustful that I end up hooking up with a less than savory guy.

Cindy Lauper – “She Bop”

August 22, 2007. casual sex, Cindy Lauper, dating, Ex-fiance, masturbation, music, oral sex, sex, sexual guilt, single, virginity. 4 comments.

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