But maybe I’m crazy. Maybe you’re crazy. Maybe we’re crazy.

About a month ago, I briefly dated this guy who I was falling for hard, fast. There is a back story to why we stopped seeing each other for a while and I will share that in my next post.

I shall refer to this man as “Edward” because he resembles Edward Norton very much – much to my delight! Edward has so many qualities I look for in a man: physically he is my type (tall, very slender), he’s well-read, cultured, sensitive, adventurous….

But, and it’s a major but, he’s a little fucked in the head. Maybe I’m being generous. He is fucked in the head. Period.

He is a very confused person, in general. He’s confused about his personality, what he wants in a relationship, his sexuality, me….I could go on and on.

In relation to his personality, he admits to fragmenting his personality and presenting each part to different people. With me his is “Proper Edward” and yes, while a well-spoken man is very attractive to me, it can come off as artificial and judgmental. I told him last night I would be happy with seeing his other sides as well. I think he would like to share them with me. He told me maybe I can show him how to unify his personality. (I feel this is a sign he truly wants to let me in. And I’m working on letting him in.)

He also admits he has concerns about his lack of long-term relationships and his ability to commit to another person. He has a lot of emotional boundaries. His only long relationship (a year) ended very badly and it left him very damaged when he already had intimacy issues. He said it took close to a year for him to feel he was truly opening up to her. And this was prior to her leaving him emotionally wrecked.

On this point though, I have to wonder what his intentions are with me. Does he want to be “just friends” ahem, friends with benefits? Does he want to seriously date me? He did insinuate he would like to get involved with me but he’s nervous because I “may cheat” on him. So that means he would want to be exclusive with me. I assured him I have no problem being faithful to someone.

Finally, He’s confused about himself in a major way – his sexuality. He is bisexual but he doesn’t feel he has gotten to explore himself in this area very well. I know he wants to. I cannot help him with this. Unless some male-female-male threesomes are in our future. One caveat: I do not want to be ignored! So, both men must be bisexual for me to agree to this.

But I don’t think one could call me the “normal” one.

I’m afraid to let him in. I’m afraid of falling for him and him hurting me very badly. So I play these games and act I don’t really care about him. I easily put up my defenses and spin his words.

Also, I have a mental block that doesn’t allow me to cum when we are being sexual. I think it has to do with the fact I have only orgasmed with my ex-fiance. He fingered and ate me out simultaneously and I must admit he made me feel crazy with desire. At that moment, I want his fingers inside of me for forever.

I also didn’t want to have sex with him because I fear I may fall in love with him. I’m really protective of myself around him. I feel on edge. Maybe it’s in response to his fears.

He later referred to us both as “headfucks.” And I must agree. We both put up a lot of walls. We get to this point where we’re both being pretty open and then bam! the wall is hit and we shut down and shut the other person out.

So what business do we have wanting to date the other?

One thing that we agreed on that may provide forshadowing and illuminate why we’re interested in one another: We both believe, on some level, that the greatest loves also torment.

Last night, after we were sexual, he stayed in my bed and held me, sweetly holding my hand as well. It made me feel like we were getting close to each other despite our walls. He announced he would be going home (he’s allergic to cats and I have one) but kept emphasizing he had a really great time with me. He asked me if I would like to hang out this weekend but I’m not sure if I can. But I do very much look forward to seeing him, holding him, kissing him, undressing him…..again.

I’m not sure what I’m doing here but it feels so good being around him. So I’m going to keep doing this. Even if I get hurt in the end.

Yep, maybe I’m crazy.

Gnarls Barkley – “Crazy”

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August 23, 2007. casual sex, dating, Edward, everything but, Ex-fiance, Gnarls Barkley, love, making out, music, oral sex, relationship, sex, sexual guilt, single. 2 comments.

Hey I’ve been thinking of a new sensation…I’m picking up good vibration…Oh! She Bop!

Recently, I began reading Men in Love by Nancy Friday. This is a key book on men’s sexuality. Of course, women’s sexuality is discussed as well to compare and contrast.

In the chapter on masturbation, Friday writes, “Telling her [women in general] to masturbate now is like telling her to get used to substituting self-stimulation for the love of another person” (38). This reminds me of a blog I recently commented on: www.sexnlovebites.wordpress.com. The author muses that she wishes she could separate sex from love.  Often times, women feel they must be unlovable unsexy losers for masturbating. In fact, you’ll often hear women say, in reaction to many men’s defensiveness over vibrators (a whole discussion unto itself), that a vibrator cannot cuddle with them after they orgasm. Sexuality and affection is very tied for women. Therefore, sometimes, for some women, sex without a partner seems perverse.

Men, on the other hand, view jacking off as just another option in the realm of sexuality. It took me a long time but I now see masturbation as a viable, sometimes preferable, option.I never masturbated – not once – prior to losing my virginity. One can say that prior to “going all the way,” my “everything but” sexuality left me very stunted sexually.

However, after I began having sex, I wanted to explore my sexuality more. My ex-fiancé is far from sexually adventurous so well, that left with me with myself. Our sex life was very lacking, in my opinion, and usually sex with him just seemed like a chore.We literally had sex about once a month. My ex-fiancé thought he was dating a woman with absolutely no sex drive but, in reality, I simply preferred she-bopping to sex with him. He was incredibly threatened by the idea of me masturbating so I never revealed to him the truth. Of course, with my background of sexual guilt, his attitude didn’t help things but I pursued because masturbating was usually more fulfilling than sex with him. For a number of reasons. While I always came with him, sometimes it just seemed not worth the effort on my part. He always brought me to orgasm through oral sex but actual intercourse never lasted more than oh three MINUTES. So, it didn’t seem worth the mess, really.

Now, that I’m single, masturbation is usually preferable because sexuality with a partner involves emotional entanglement on some level, even if you don’t want it to. Additionally, an orgasm is simply a quick, easy means for relaxation. Finally, masturbation can be seen as a preventative measure for the single! Sometimes, I just want to get off. I would rather masturbate too then become so lustful that I end up hooking up with a less than savory guy.

Cindy Lauper – “She Bop”

August 22, 2007. casual sex, Cindy Lauper, dating, Ex-fiance, masturbation, music, oral sex, sex, sexual guilt, single, virginity. 4 comments.

So why did I kiss him so hard….

I’m either so sick in the head, I need to be bled dry to quit. Or I just really used to love him. I sure hope that’s it”

Saturday night, I hung out with the first man (boy?) I ever loved.

This was to be the first time him and I hung out, alone together, in years. We dated, on and off, for 3 years. We finally ended things for good when I was 19 and a few months later I met my ex-fiance and was with him for close to 4 years. Since I have been single I have realized this second relationship was ultimately, a very long rebound. It took me close to 3 years to really feel I was over my First Love. He has this uncanny ability of being able to just really get under my skin and make me crave him. It was a very unhealthy relationship but I feel (or felt?) that I was at a place where him and I could be “just friends.”

He met me at my place for dinner. We walked to a nearby restaurant chit-chatting about our dating lives since we were together years ago. He recently was broken up with and is feeling sad about this. I assured him it will be ok. He then confided in me that he compares ever girl he dates to me and wonders if he will ever have as good of a relationship that we had. I was hesitant when he said this because we had a very tumultuous relationship. It’s true. Him and I had some wonderful times together because when it was good between us it was great but when it was bad, it was horrible.

We then went back to my place and I started sharing some of my favorite new CDs with him (I recently bought Fiona Apple’s and Rhett Miller’s newest albums – highly recommend both). Our shared passion for music worked as a bonding glue for us. He then started calling me “babe” and “baby.” I felt resentful of this. I feel he may just be playing with my emotions and exploiting how much I used to love him. I told him that I didn’t want to do anything sexual with him. After all, I was scared. I did not want to fall back in love with him. And although, I know he’s not what I want at all, I fear I can’t control myself when it comes to him. I used to feel so desperate when it came to him and I just didn’t want to experience this pain again.

He then said that he thinks he could fall back in love with me too. I just looked at him. Distrustful. I really don’t believe him. Or if he did fall back in love with me it would be because he’s lonely and not because he truly cares for me. I think I always loved him a lot more than he loved me. And this is one of the most painful experiences one can go through.

 However, despite my better judgment, I began cuddling with him and pressing our bodies together. Instantly, I felt a shock from the sexual chemistry we share. I have rarely felt so sexually alive and I just wanted to never let him go. Again. When we first dated, he was the first guy I did “everything but” with. We never actually had sex. I wasn’t ready and was still filled with so much sexual guilt at that time.

We didn’t kiss yet. But we did shower together. It was so surprising to see his naked body (and how well endowed he is! I had forgotten….) after so many years apart but at the same time it felt like no time had really passed. I wanted to give into my desire for him so badly but this time it was emotions, not sexual guilt, holding me back. Emotionally, he is dangerous for me.

Later, he joined me in my bed to sleep. We finally kissed at this point. And I never wanted it to end. Never since him has someone made me feel like we were one simply from kissing. I felt stupid for kissing him. Letting him in again possibly. But truth be told, even in the morning, after we awoke I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay. And make up for all this lost time.

I know however, this cannot or should not be.

So, I let him leave in the morning.

Fiona Apple – “Tymps (The Sick in the Head Song)”

August 13, 2007. everything but, Ex, Ex-fiance, Fiona Apple, first love, Just friends, love, music, platonic, relationship, Rhett Miller, sex, sexual guilt, single. Leave a comment.

Please allow me to introduce myself

My name is Harlow. I am in my mid twenties. I went to Catholic school my whole life until college (much more on this is sure to follow). College educated. Background in sexuality.

And, I’m recently single after 4 years of being in a relationship (2 of those years I was cohabitating). The relationship ended after a very brief engagement. I will explore the ending of this relationship more, I’m sure.

I realized that I have not had enough dating experiences and sexual experiences to commit to someone right now. Some things that highlight this lack of experience:

1. I have only had two serious relationships. One was on-again/off-again from the ages of 16 to 19. Next, a few months after finally ending things with my first love, I met my now ex-fiance. I was still very much on the rebound after being very hurt but I ended up staying with him for just under 4 years.

2. Although I focused on human sexuality in college I have had only one sexual partner. And I didn’t “lose” my virginity until I was a month shy of turning 22. And that was with my second boyfriend.

3. The above has to do with me having an inordinate amount of sexual guilt. See why I thought it was necessary to mention I once was a Catholic schoolgirl!

So, after ending that relationship, I have decided to go on a dating and sexual journey.

I want to write this blog to explore this journey of mine. I’m sure it will be a bumpy ride but will most certainly prove entertaining for you, dear reader.

P.S. You may notice that I will be titling my blog entries with song lyrics. I will give credit to the song and band at the bottom of each entry.

Rolling Stones – “Sympathy for the Devil”

August 6, 2007. cohabitate, dating, ex-Catholic, Ex-fiance, love, music, relationship, Rolling Stones, sex, sexual guilt, single, virginity. Leave a comment.