And I said, did you know I miss you?

I heard from my First Love last night. Well, over text messages. Which has to be the absolute worst way to have a serious conversation.

He asked me if I have missed him since we last hung out. I angrily asked why would I miss him. And that missing him would be pointless.

He then said he has missed me.

I felt myself brimming with anger. How dare he? He must be fucking with my head. He can’t really be missing me. He just doesn’t want to be lonely. And I hate him for trying to manipulate me.

I told him we shouldn’t be having such feelings for each other.

Then, as proof to why I’m no longer with him and can never be with him again, he laughed at me and demanded if I’ve just been speaking to my therapist.

As if I cannot realize, on my own, that he is no good for me. And at the same time, acknowledging that he knows he is no good for me.

I stopped speaking to him for the time being.

I don’t see what else I could’ve said. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking that I want him again. Because, I truly don’t. I just didn’t want to be lonely before.

As a side note, the song I’ve quoted for this entry, was actually “our” song when we were young and in love.

Something Corporate – “Konstantine”

Advertisements

August 27, 2007. dating, first love, Just friends, love, relationship, Something Corporate, Text message. 1 comment.

Hey Jealousy, listen to my heart. There’s only one thing I couldn’t start.

Tonight, I feel sad.

Thinking too much about OGF and First Love.

Over the weekend, when I saw First Love, I confessed to him how I had slept with OGF. He was shocked. And jealous. But his jealousy was completely egotistical and had nothing to do with having genuine feelings for me. He was just jealous OGF got to “hit it” when he had not. But then, I asked First Love if he thought the sex was most likely meaningless to OGF who has numerous casual sex encounters.

First Love assured me that the sex probably meant a lot to OGF.

But then….I couldn’t help but ask why he never wanted to date me. I didn’t mean to ask my First Love this but I just blurted it out.

Why had I never been enough? Once, a year ago or so, I asked OGF what he sees in his girlfriend. I asked him because he doesn’t seem particularly into her. I don’t think he’s that attracted to her, sexually stimulated by her or overall engaged by her. So, I asked him what he saw in her. Maybe I just wasn’t seeing things clearly. He then told me that he liked her because “she is driven.” I then said that many girls are driven, myself included. He just agreed and kept silent for a moment until the subject was changed. So, now, I go back to wondering, like I have before….

 Why did OGF never see me in that way? My First Love told me that it took OGF’s moving across the country for him to finally get up the nerve to make a move on me. He continued that he’s sure OGF could see me as girlfriend material but the timing was just never right. (It’s true that at least one of us has been in a relationship during our friendship. Well, there were a brief few months where we were both single many years ago but at the time we were both broken hearted.) Part of me desperately wishes this were true – that OGF would have loved to date me but the timing was just off.

Trainer, who has worked closely with OGF, told me he thinks OGF dates her because she “looks good on paper.” And yes, I can see this. She has successful parents and is beginning a very good, stable career. But this can’t be all, can it?

I don’t know how or why but I’ve never really seen her as a “real” girlfriend to him. Probably due to his lack of perceived enthusiasm over her by all I’ve spoken to about his relationship. Additionally, I like to think that if OGF was really in love with someone he wouldn’t cheat on them. But maybe this as good as gets in a romantic relationship with OGF? I just feel he’s going through the motions without emotion.

I do feel bad for his girlfriend. However, I don’t feel guilty. His lack of commitment to her far extends the one night him and I spent together. In an ideal situation we both would’ve been single but it wasn’t that way.

I just feel slightly jealous – why her and not me? Why did he move to be near her for school if he doesn’t seem that into her? Why hasn’t he at least emailed me a “hello”?

I am filled with self doubt, currently.

Gin Blossoms – “Hey Jealousy”

August 14, 2007. casual sex, dating, first love, Gin Blossoms, love, music, Oldest Guy Friend, relationship, sex, single, trainer. Leave a comment.

So why did I kiss him so hard….

I’m either so sick in the head, I need to be bled dry to quit. Or I just really used to love him. I sure hope that’s it”

Saturday night, I hung out with the first man (boy?) I ever loved.

This was to be the first time him and I hung out, alone together, in years. We dated, on and off, for 3 years. We finally ended things for good when I was 19 and a few months later I met my ex-fiance and was with him for close to 4 years. Since I have been single I have realized this second relationship was ultimately, a very long rebound. It took me close to 3 years to really feel I was over my First Love. He has this uncanny ability of being able to just really get under my skin and make me crave him. It was a very unhealthy relationship but I feel (or felt?) that I was at a place where him and I could be “just friends.”

He met me at my place for dinner. We walked to a nearby restaurant chit-chatting about our dating lives since we were together years ago. He recently was broken up with and is feeling sad about this. I assured him it will be ok. He then confided in me that he compares ever girl he dates to me and wonders if he will ever have as good of a relationship that we had. I was hesitant when he said this because we had a very tumultuous relationship. It’s true. Him and I had some wonderful times together because when it was good between us it was great but when it was bad, it was horrible.

We then went back to my place and I started sharing some of my favorite new CDs with him (I recently bought Fiona Apple’s and Rhett Miller’s newest albums – highly recommend both). Our shared passion for music worked as a bonding glue for us. He then started calling me “babe” and “baby.” I felt resentful of this. I feel he may just be playing with my emotions and exploiting how much I used to love him. I told him that I didn’t want to do anything sexual with him. After all, I was scared. I did not want to fall back in love with him. And although, I know he’s not what I want at all, I fear I can’t control myself when it comes to him. I used to feel so desperate when it came to him and I just didn’t want to experience this pain again.

He then said that he thinks he could fall back in love with me too. I just looked at him. Distrustful. I really don’t believe him. Or if he did fall back in love with me it would be because he’s lonely and not because he truly cares for me. I think I always loved him a lot more than he loved me. And this is one of the most painful experiences one can go through.

 However, despite my better judgment, I began cuddling with him and pressing our bodies together. Instantly, I felt a shock from the sexual chemistry we share. I have rarely felt so sexually alive and I just wanted to never let him go. Again. When we first dated, he was the first guy I did “everything but” with. We never actually had sex. I wasn’t ready and was still filled with so much sexual guilt at that time.

We didn’t kiss yet. But we did shower together. It was so surprising to see his naked body (and how well endowed he is! I had forgotten….) after so many years apart but at the same time it felt like no time had really passed. I wanted to give into my desire for him so badly but this time it was emotions, not sexual guilt, holding me back. Emotionally, he is dangerous for me.

Later, he joined me in my bed to sleep. We finally kissed at this point. And I never wanted it to end. Never since him has someone made me feel like we were one simply from kissing. I felt stupid for kissing him. Letting him in again possibly. But truth be told, even in the morning, after we awoke I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay. And make up for all this lost time.

I know however, this cannot or should not be.

So, I let him leave in the morning.

Fiona Apple – “Tymps (The Sick in the Head Song)”

August 13, 2007. everything but, Ex, Ex-fiance, Fiona Apple, first love, Just friends, love, music, platonic, relationship, Rhett Miller, sex, sexual guilt, single. Leave a comment.