Hey Jealousy, listen to my heart. There’s only one thing I couldn’t start.

Tonight, I feel sad.

Thinking too much about OGF and First Love.

Over the weekend, when I saw First Love, I confessed to him how I had slept with OGF. He was shocked. And jealous. But his jealousy was completely egotistical and had nothing to do with having genuine feelings for me. He was just jealous OGF got to “hit it” when he had not. But then, I asked First Love if he thought the sex was most likely meaningless to OGF who has numerous casual sex encounters.

First Love assured me that the sex probably meant a lot to OGF.

But then….I couldn’t help but ask why he never wanted to date me. I didn’t mean to ask my First Love this but I just blurted it out.

Why had I never been enough? Once, a year ago or so, I asked OGF what he sees in his girlfriend. I asked him because he doesn’t seem particularly into her. I don’t think he’s that attracted to her, sexually stimulated by her or overall engaged by her. So, I asked him what he saw in her. Maybe I just wasn’t seeing things clearly. He then told me that he liked her because “she is driven.” I then said that many girls are driven, myself included. He just agreed and kept silent for a moment until the subject was changed. So, now, I go back to wondering, like I have before….

 Why did OGF never see me in that way? My First Love told me that it took OGF’s moving across the country for him to finally get up the nerve to make a move on me. He continued that he’s sure OGF could see me as girlfriend material but the timing was just never right. (It’s true that at least one of us has been in a relationship during our friendship. Well, there were a brief few months where we were both single many years ago but at the time we were both broken hearted.) Part of me desperately wishes this were true – that OGF would have loved to date me but the timing was just off.

Trainer, who has worked closely with OGF, told me he thinks OGF dates her because she “looks good on paper.” And yes, I can see this. She has successful parents and is beginning a very good, stable career. But this can’t be all, can it?

I don’t know how or why but I’ve never really seen her as a “real” girlfriend to him. Probably due to his lack of perceived enthusiasm over her by all I’ve spoken to about his relationship. Additionally, I like to think that if OGF was really in love with someone he wouldn’t cheat on them. But maybe this as good as gets in a romantic relationship with OGF? I just feel he’s going through the motions without emotion.

I do feel bad for his girlfriend. However, I don’t feel guilty. His lack of commitment to her far extends the one night him and I spent together. In an ideal situation we both would’ve been single but it wasn’t that way.

I just feel slightly jealous – why her and not me? Why did he move to be near her for school if he doesn’t seem that into her? Why hasn’t he at least emailed me a “hello”?

I am filled with self doubt, currently.

Gin Blossoms – “Hey Jealousy”

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August 14, 2007. casual sex, dating, first love, Gin Blossoms, love, music, Oldest Guy Friend, relationship, sex, single, trainer. Leave a comment.