But maybe I’m crazy. Maybe you’re crazy. Maybe we’re crazy.

About a month ago, I briefly dated this guy who I was falling for hard, fast. There is a back story to why we stopped seeing each other for a while and I will share that in my next post.

I shall refer to this man as “Edward” because he resembles Edward Norton very much – much to my delight! Edward has so many qualities I look for in a man: physically he is my type (tall, very slender), he’s well-read, cultured, sensitive, adventurous….

But, and it’s a major but, he’s a little fucked in the head. Maybe I’m being generous. He is fucked in the head. Period.

He is a very confused person, in general. He’s confused about his personality, what he wants in a relationship, his sexuality, me….I could go on and on.

In relation to his personality, he admits to fragmenting his personality and presenting each part to different people. With me his is “Proper Edward” and yes, while a well-spoken man is very attractive to me, it can come off as artificial and judgmental. I told him last night I would be happy with seeing his other sides as well. I think he would like to share them with me. He told me maybe I can show him how to unify his personality. (I feel this is a sign he truly wants to let me in. And I’m working on letting him in.)

He also admits he has concerns about his lack of long-term relationships and his ability to commit to another person. He has a lot of emotional boundaries. His only long relationship (a year) ended very badly and it left him very damaged when he already had intimacy issues. He said it took close to a year for him to feel he was truly opening up to her. And this was prior to her leaving him emotionally wrecked.

On this point though, I have to wonder what his intentions are with me. Does he want to be “just friends” ahem, friends with benefits? Does he want to seriously date me? He did insinuate he would like to get involved with me but he’s nervous because I “may cheat” on him. So that means he would want to be exclusive with me. I assured him I have no problem being faithful to someone.

Finally, He’s confused about himself in a major way – his sexuality. He is bisexual but he doesn’t feel he has gotten to explore himself in this area very well. I know he wants to. I cannot help him with this. Unless some male-female-male threesomes are in our future. One caveat: I do not want to be ignored! So, both men must be bisexual for me to agree to this.

But I don’t think one could call me the “normal” one.

I’m afraid to let him in. I’m afraid of falling for him and him hurting me very badly. So I play these games and act I don’t really care about him. I easily put up my defenses and spin his words.

Also, I have a mental block that doesn’t allow me to cum when we are being sexual. I think it has to do with the fact I have only orgasmed with my ex-fiance. He fingered and ate me out simultaneously and I must admit he made me feel crazy with desire. At that moment, I want his fingers inside of me for forever.

I also didn’t want to have sex with him because I fear I may fall in love with him. I’m really protective of myself around him. I feel on edge. Maybe it’s in response to his fears.

He later referred to us both as “headfucks.” And I must agree. We both put up a lot of walls. We get to this point where we’re both being pretty open and then bam! the wall is hit and we shut down and shut the other person out.

So what business do we have wanting to date the other?

One thing that we agreed on that may provide forshadowing and illuminate why we’re interested in one another: We both believe, on some level, that the greatest loves also torment.

Last night, after we were sexual, he stayed in my bed and held me, sweetly holding my hand as well. It made me feel like we were getting close to each other despite our walls. He announced he would be going home (he’s allergic to cats and I have one) but kept emphasizing he had a really great time with me. He asked me if I would like to hang out this weekend but I’m not sure if I can. But I do very much look forward to seeing him, holding him, kissing him, undressing him…..again.

I’m not sure what I’m doing here but it feels so good being around him. So I’m going to keep doing this. Even if I get hurt in the end.

Yep, maybe I’m crazy.

Gnarls Barkley – “Crazy”

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August 23, 2007. casual sex, dating, Edward, everything but, Ex-fiance, Gnarls Barkley, love, making out, music, oral sex, relationship, sex, sexual guilt, single. 2 comments.