And I said, did you know I miss you?

I heard from my First Love last night. Well, over text messages. Which has to be the absolute worst way to have a serious conversation.

He asked me if I have missed him since we last hung out. I angrily asked why would I miss him. And that missing him would be pointless.

He then said he has missed me.

I felt myself brimming with anger. How dare he? He must be fucking with my head. He can’t really be missing me. He just doesn’t want to be lonely. And I hate him for trying to manipulate me.

I told him we shouldn’t be having such feelings for each other.

Then, as proof to why I’m no longer with him and can never be with him again, he laughed at me and demanded if I’ve just been speaking to my therapist.

As if I cannot realize, on my own, that he is no good for me. And at the same time, acknowledging that he knows he is no good for me.

I stopped speaking to him for the time being.

I don’t see what else I could’ve said. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking that I want him again. Because, I truly don’t. I just didn’t want to be lonely before.

As a side note, the song I’ve quoted for this entry, was actually “our” song when we were young and in love.

Something Corporate – “Konstantine”

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August 27, 2007. dating, first love, Just friends, love, relationship, Something Corporate, Text message. 1 comment.

You make me, make me hungry again.

Saturday I had a very good night.

I went out for a friend’s birthday expecting just a fun night among friends and then Edward called me. He ended up joining us much to my delight.

He thrills me. He’s so attractive. And other people seem to notice how attracted we are to each other. Before, someone “jokingly” proposed a foursome with him, me and their partner. Again, on Saturday, someone else made a joke about Edward and I joining him and his wife in their bed.

We laugh about it to each other saying we’re the only ones who get to experience how hot it is together.

And hot it is indeed.

Edward is really opening up to me. He kept making comments, that night, about future things we will do together. He also discussed how if I hadn’t had plans he was going to invited me to a friend’s of his party. He also held my hand and kissed me at the bar we were at. For Edward, to show any PDA, is huge. Then, he invited me over to sleep in his bed that night. He told me, a month ago, that I would never be allowed to sleep in his bed as he finds sleeping with another person to uncomfortable so I felt this was a major step in the right direction.

When we got to his house we changed to sleep. I was wearing a shirt of his, which clung to my curves for dear life, and my panties while he stripped down to his boxers. He apologized that he was not feeling very sexual as he must wake up in a few hours to go mountain biking with another in the morning. I said that was absolutely fine. I just want to sleep with him.

We laid in bed, chit-chatting and I was feeling ready to drift off to sleep. I lay my head on his chest but I knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. His heart was beating so hard. I wasn’t sure why. I rolled over to try to sleep as he held me close.

Then, all of a sudden, we were making out. Our tongues hungry for each other. My body aching for his. We are so forceful together – biting, pulling on my hair, digging our nails into each other, playing at each other’s nipples. I know, sexually, he is a great match for me as he moans when I use force. Few men have enjoyed this. And, I’ve made it no secret how much I enjoy being manhandled.

He pushed his fingers inside of me as I squirmed, moaning. He went down on me. I felt dangerously close to cumming. I just feel so much pressure though. I’ve never cum with a man other than my ex-fiance so I feel it would be a big deal for Edward to make me cum.

But I want him to.

I’ve made a vow to stop masturbating until I cum with him. A little game, I’ve decided to play, with myself.

I then reciprocated. His cock is perfect, I must say. Perfect length, I’m guessing 7.5″, and the width is just right. He was obviously thrilled by my skills. He kept moaning “Oh my god” but just as he was about to cum, he pushed me off. Maybe he doesn’t want to cum with me until I do? He told me he was most impressed by me. This made me beam since Edward rarely compliments.

Our bodies move in such perfect unison, I can’t wait to have sex with him. In fact, I almost proposed that he just enter me that night but I’m glad he suggested we be “good boys and girls.” I want to really let this linger.

As he said this, we sat on his bed, our limbs intertwined. I was amazed at how much I enjoy being sexual with him. I felt this hunger that I hoped would never be satisfied completely.

I never feel so hungry for another. My body, my loins, felt so heated, aching for him. He told me he was sorry to leave me in such a state (after we initiated things once again when his alarm went off) but I said that while it’s a bit unsatisfied of a feeling, it feels so good to feel so sexually alive.

The Cure – “Why Can’t I Be You?”

August 27, 2007. dating, Edward, everything but, Just friends, love, making out, masturbation, oral sex, PDA, sexual guilt, single, The Cure. Leave a comment.

Tell me what you want, tell me what you need…Tell me that you only want to get it from me.

In my last post, I established Edward is an incredibly confused person. And this makes me confused.

A month ago, we were consistently seeing each other for a few weeks. It felt like it was becoming serious.  Our dates were always so much fun and revealing. We took many late night walks discovering more about the other person and came back to my apartment for even more discussion over tea. One night, I came over and he cooked a great dinner for me. Afterwards, he loaned me a book of his he knew I would love. Again, we drank tea while exploring each other and took another walk. On this walk, I shared places I spent much of my childhood with him. (He recalled this and brought it up the other night again. This made me feel special)

We also enjoyed showering together. He would bathe me and wash my hair for me. Things just felt so intimate, so right, with him.

Our favorite date together though was the day he took me to a nearby canyon, we hiked a little, laid on a blanket chatting and then took a long drive to some local wineries. Here, we did some wine tasting. It was incredibly thrilling that everyone in one of the wineries was incredibly focused on Edward and I, our relationship, and how well we looked together. People inquired if we were married and encouraged us to procreate – a lot! I really value outside validation of my relationships, for better or for worse, and this made me feel that Edward and I really do blend together well. I mean, it’s even obvious to complete strangers, I thought.

Things were going well. He was opening up to me about his past, his family, his sexuality, etc. and I was doing the same. It was feeling as if things were progressing and he would maybe become my boyfriend. He even told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I was also exclusively seeing him. 

And then we hit a hard, cold brick wall.

Or rather he pushed me into one.

One night, a week before he was to leave town for a couple weeks, we decided to grab a quick bite to eat near my house and a drink afterwards. Our conversation was flowing and it was quite revealing at times about our histories. I opened up to him too explaining to him sometimes I feel unsure of my place with him since he is very unaffectionate in public. He doesn’t even hold hands in public. He feels it’s inappropriate. On the other hand, I extremely value PDA – of course, it a totally respectful way. I think hand holding and quick kisses in public are perfectly acceptable and desirable.

When we got back to my house, we attacked each other with kisses as is our custom. Things began to escalate more than they had in the past. We found ourselves naked in my bed. He then asked if I have protection. I told him, I do but he mustn’t concern himself with such things yet. I am not going to have sex with him yet, I told him. I’m just not ready for that. (This was before I had slept with OGF so at this point I’d only slept with one person. And, I wanted more of an emotional commitment from Edward before having sex with him.)

He became angry. He told me he can’t stand doing “everything but.” He would rather abstain completely than do some sexual things and not actually have intercourse. I told him that relationships have a natural progression to things and I can’t just go from not being sexual with someone to having sex with them.

He then asked if we could “just be friends.” I agreed, saying maybe it’s for the best. We’re both not in the best situations to be getting romantically involved.

But then he continued. Much to my dismay.

Here I am, laying in his arms, naked and he says, with a smirk, “Maybe I’m just not that into you.” And this was coming from a man I could already envision saying “I love you” to ! I sat there, flabbergasted, unable to respond. Then he continues, “Maybe I’m not that sexually attracted to you” and I’m naked here! Finally, he tells me he may be more into men after all.

I felt crushed by my crush.

I knew, logically, he was just putting his defenses up. He could not actually deny his attraction to me (it’s quite apparent….if you get my drift). But, it hurt, badly.

We didn’t see each other again until the other night. He apologized many times for the things he said. Saying it truly was him hitting a wall and not knowing how to share his feelings with me. I told him he hurt me though and I was fully prepared to be just friends with him. He said, for what it’s worth, he’s still attracted to me.

I wanted to not let him in. Again. I wanted to spite him. Make him wait a little. But I also, desperately, wanted to press our lips, our bodies, together.

Well, we all know what feeling ruled out the other night.

Plain White T’s – “What More Do You Want?”

August 24, 2007. dating, Edward, everything but, Just friends, love, making out, music, Plain White T's, platonic, relationship, sexual guilt, single. Leave a comment.

So why did I kiss him so hard….

I’m either so sick in the head, I need to be bled dry to quit. Or I just really used to love him. I sure hope that’s it”

Saturday night, I hung out with the first man (boy?) I ever loved.

This was to be the first time him and I hung out, alone together, in years. We dated, on and off, for 3 years. We finally ended things for good when I was 19 and a few months later I met my ex-fiance and was with him for close to 4 years. Since I have been single I have realized this second relationship was ultimately, a very long rebound. It took me close to 3 years to really feel I was over my First Love. He has this uncanny ability of being able to just really get under my skin and make me crave him. It was a very unhealthy relationship but I feel (or felt?) that I was at a place where him and I could be “just friends.”

He met me at my place for dinner. We walked to a nearby restaurant chit-chatting about our dating lives since we were together years ago. He recently was broken up with and is feeling sad about this. I assured him it will be ok. He then confided in me that he compares ever girl he dates to me and wonders if he will ever have as good of a relationship that we had. I was hesitant when he said this because we had a very tumultuous relationship. It’s true. Him and I had some wonderful times together because when it was good between us it was great but when it was bad, it was horrible.

We then went back to my place and I started sharing some of my favorite new CDs with him (I recently bought Fiona Apple’s and Rhett Miller’s newest albums – highly recommend both). Our shared passion for music worked as a bonding glue for us. He then started calling me “babe” and “baby.” I felt resentful of this. I feel he may just be playing with my emotions and exploiting how much I used to love him. I told him that I didn’t want to do anything sexual with him. After all, I was scared. I did not want to fall back in love with him. And although, I know he’s not what I want at all, I fear I can’t control myself when it comes to him. I used to feel so desperate when it came to him and I just didn’t want to experience this pain again.

He then said that he thinks he could fall back in love with me too. I just looked at him. Distrustful. I really don’t believe him. Or if he did fall back in love with me it would be because he’s lonely and not because he truly cares for me. I think I always loved him a lot more than he loved me. And this is one of the most painful experiences one can go through.

 However, despite my better judgment, I began cuddling with him and pressing our bodies together. Instantly, I felt a shock from the sexual chemistry we share. I have rarely felt so sexually alive and I just wanted to never let him go. Again. When we first dated, he was the first guy I did “everything but” with. We never actually had sex. I wasn’t ready and was still filled with so much sexual guilt at that time.

We didn’t kiss yet. But we did shower together. It was so surprising to see his naked body (and how well endowed he is! I had forgotten….) after so many years apart but at the same time it felt like no time had really passed. I wanted to give into my desire for him so badly but this time it was emotions, not sexual guilt, holding me back. Emotionally, he is dangerous for me.

Later, he joined me in my bed to sleep. We finally kissed at this point. And I never wanted it to end. Never since him has someone made me feel like we were one simply from kissing. I felt stupid for kissing him. Letting him in again possibly. But truth be told, even in the morning, after we awoke I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay. And make up for all this lost time.

I know however, this cannot or should not be.

So, I let him leave in the morning.

Fiona Apple – “Tymps (The Sick in the Head Song)”

August 13, 2007. everything but, Ex, Ex-fiance, Fiona Apple, first love, Just friends, love, music, platonic, relationship, Rhett Miller, sex, sexual guilt, single. Leave a comment.