Tell me what you want, tell me what you need…Tell me that you only want to get it from me.

In my last post, I established Edward is an incredibly confused person. And this makes me confused.

A month ago, we were consistently seeing each other for a few weeks. It felt like it was becoming serious.  Our dates were always so much fun and revealing. We took many late night walks discovering more about the other person and came back to my apartment for even more discussion over tea. One night, I came over and he cooked a great dinner for me. Afterwards, he loaned me a book of his he knew I would love. Again, we drank tea while exploring each other and took another walk. On this walk, I shared places I spent much of my childhood with him. (He recalled this and brought it up the other night again. This made me feel special)

We also enjoyed showering together. He would bathe me and wash my hair for me. Things just felt so intimate, so right, with him.

Our favorite date together though was the day he took me to a nearby canyon, we hiked a little, laid on a blanket chatting and then took a long drive to some local wineries. Here, we did some wine tasting. It was incredibly thrilling that everyone in one of the wineries was incredibly focused on Edward and I, our relationship, and how well we looked together. People inquired if we were married and encouraged us to procreate – a lot! I really value outside validation of my relationships, for better or for worse, and this made me feel that Edward and I really do blend together well. I mean, it’s even obvious to complete strangers, I thought.

Things were going well. He was opening up to me about his past, his family, his sexuality, etc. and I was doing the same. It was feeling as if things were progressing and he would maybe become my boyfriend. He even told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I was also exclusively seeing him. 

And then we hit a hard, cold brick wall.

Or rather he pushed me into one.

One night, a week before he was to leave town for a couple weeks, we decided to grab a quick bite to eat near my house and a drink afterwards. Our conversation was flowing and it was quite revealing at times about our histories. I opened up to him too explaining to him sometimes I feel unsure of my place with him since he is very unaffectionate in public. He doesn’t even hold hands in public. He feels it’s inappropriate. On the other hand, I extremely value PDA – of course, it a totally respectful way. I think hand holding and quick kisses in public are perfectly acceptable and desirable.

When we got back to my house, we attacked each other with kisses as is our custom. Things began to escalate more than they had in the past. We found ourselves naked in my bed. He then asked if I have protection. I told him, I do but he mustn’t concern himself with such things yet. I am not going to have sex with him yet, I told him. I’m just not ready for that. (This was before I had slept with OGF so at this point I’d only slept with one person. And, I wanted more of an emotional commitment from Edward before having sex with him.)

He became angry. He told me he can’t stand doing “everything but.” He would rather abstain completely than do some sexual things and not actually have intercourse. I told him that relationships have a natural progression to things and I can’t just go from not being sexual with someone to having sex with them.

He then asked if we could “just be friends.” I agreed, saying maybe it’s for the best. We’re both not in the best situations to be getting romantically involved.

But then he continued. Much to my dismay.

Here I am, laying in his arms, naked and he says, with a smirk, “Maybe I’m just not that into you.” And this was coming from a man I could already envision saying “I love you” to ! I sat there, flabbergasted, unable to respond. Then he continues, “Maybe I’m not that sexually attracted to you” and I’m naked here! Finally, he tells me he may be more into men after all.

I felt crushed by my crush.

I knew, logically, he was just putting his defenses up. He could not actually deny his attraction to me (it’s quite apparent….if you get my drift). But, it hurt, badly.

We didn’t see each other again until the other night. He apologized many times for the things he said. Saying it truly was him hitting a wall and not knowing how to share his feelings with me. I told him he hurt me though and I was fully prepared to be just friends with him. He said, for what it’s worth, he’s still attracted to me.

I wanted to not let him in. Again. I wanted to spite him. Make him wait a little. But I also, desperately, wanted to press our lips, our bodies, together.

Well, we all know what feeling ruled out the other night.

Plain White T’s – “What More Do You Want?”


August 24, 2007. dating, Edward, everything but, Just friends, love, making out, music, Plain White T's, platonic, relationship, sexual guilt, single. Leave a comment.

So why did I kiss him so hard….

I’m either so sick in the head, I need to be bled dry to quit. Or I just really used to love him. I sure hope that’s it”

Saturday night, I hung out with the first man (boy?) I ever loved.

This was to be the first time him and I hung out, alone together, in years. We dated, on and off, for 3 years. We finally ended things for good when I was 19 and a few months later I met my ex-fiance and was with him for close to 4 years. Since I have been single I have realized this second relationship was ultimately, a very long rebound. It took me close to 3 years to really feel I was over my First Love. He has this uncanny ability of being able to just really get under my skin and make me crave him. It was a very unhealthy relationship but I feel (or felt?) that I was at a place where him and I could be “just friends.”

He met me at my place for dinner. We walked to a nearby restaurant chit-chatting about our dating lives since we were together years ago. He recently was broken up with and is feeling sad about this. I assured him it will be ok. He then confided in me that he compares ever girl he dates to me and wonders if he will ever have as good of a relationship that we had. I was hesitant when he said this because we had a very tumultuous relationship. It’s true. Him and I had some wonderful times together because when it was good between us it was great but when it was bad, it was horrible.

We then went back to my place and I started sharing some of my favorite new CDs with him (I recently bought Fiona Apple’s and Rhett Miller’s newest albums – highly recommend both). Our shared passion for music worked as a bonding glue for us. He then started calling me “babe” and “baby.” I felt resentful of this. I feel he may just be playing with my emotions and exploiting how much I used to love him. I told him that I didn’t want to do anything sexual with him. After all, I was scared. I did not want to fall back in love with him. And although, I know he’s not what I want at all, I fear I can’t control myself when it comes to him. I used to feel so desperate when it came to him and I just didn’t want to experience this pain again.

He then said that he thinks he could fall back in love with me too. I just looked at him. Distrustful. I really don’t believe him. Or if he did fall back in love with me it would be because he’s lonely and not because he truly cares for me. I think I always loved him a lot more than he loved me. And this is one of the most painful experiences one can go through.

 However, despite my better judgment, I began cuddling with him and pressing our bodies together. Instantly, I felt a shock from the sexual chemistry we share. I have rarely felt so sexually alive and I just wanted to never let him go. Again. When we first dated, he was the first guy I did “everything but” with. We never actually had sex. I wasn’t ready and was still filled with so much sexual guilt at that time.

We didn’t kiss yet. But we did shower together. It was so surprising to see his naked body (and how well endowed he is! I had forgotten….) after so many years apart but at the same time it felt like no time had really passed. I wanted to give into my desire for him so badly but this time it was emotions, not sexual guilt, holding me back. Emotionally, he is dangerous for me.

Later, he joined me in my bed to sleep. We finally kissed at this point. And I never wanted it to end. Never since him has someone made me feel like we were one simply from kissing. I felt stupid for kissing him. Letting him in again possibly. But truth be told, even in the morning, after we awoke I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay. And make up for all this lost time.

I know however, this cannot or should not be.

So, I let him leave in the morning.

Fiona Apple – “Tymps (The Sick in the Head Song)”

August 13, 2007. everything but, Ex, Ex-fiance, Fiona Apple, first love, Just friends, love, music, platonic, relationship, Rhett Miller, sex, sexual guilt, single. Leave a comment.

Hey let’s do it like we’re friends….

There’s one guy I’ve been strictly platonic friends with since I was 16, so for 8 years we’ve been friends. He is my Oldest Guy Friend (OGF).

OGF and I have an incredible amount of sexual tension between us. So thick you really, truly could cut it with a knife. When we’re around each other, we flirt shamelessly. Our friendship has always been like this but it’s always been harmless fun.

Even after many drunken nights, we never even kissed although once in a great while one of us would try for something. The other one, the sober one, though would always be the “voice of reason.” After all, we have such a good friendship – why mess with it?

I have had numerous reasons for never hooking up with OGF despite the fact I truly do sexually desire him – more than I have desired most people, honestly.

These reasons included:

1. He is my Oldest Guy Friend. Strictly platonic too for years. He is someone I come to for advice on other men.

2. He has been quite the man-whore, hooking up with something like 90% of his female friends. I loved teasing him that he could never have this.

3. He once had sex with a good female friend of mine. And I actually saw them by accident! A mental image that has been burned in my head! And I love to tease him about this hookup relentlessly since he regrets it. He says he did it for me and my best friend. Wow – thanks! :p

4. He has issues with emotional intimacy, I believe.

5. I was afraid if I finally experienced him in such a way I would fall in love with him and it would break my heart that it would not be reciprocated. See above.

6. I didn’t want to take away this lust and wanting. Maybe, with him, the wanting would be better than the having and it would be better to never experience him than ruin my fantasy of him.

Reasons to hook up with him:

1. It would be so thrilling to finally experience him on a level we’ve joked about so often.

2. He is really sexy.

3. He thinks I’m really gorgeous – he has told me I have the face of a movie star. So there is mutual sexual desire and attraction.

4. I’ve always wanted to just give in to my desire for him. I have had countless sex dreams starring OGF.

 Well, on Saturday, he was out to celebrate his last night in our city – he’s moving across the country for school. And to live with his gf (he has cheated on her before). So I joined him and his friends. I was very excited to see him but sad about him leaving.

I had a very fun night flirting with OGF and his friends. OGF was bragging to everyone how I must have the skills sexually. He always does this when he’s drunk. So, I deduce, he has wondered how I am in the bedroom. And that curiosity is mutual. For sure. I spoke to one of his friends I’m supposed to go out with again (we went on a date once but there was miscommunication and he “bowed out” – he thought I said I had a boyfriend). Due to his profession, I will refer to him as Trainer. Also, I drunkenly madeout for the first time with another of his friends who I’ve known for almost as long. I didn’t tell OGF about this for some reason. He had make a joke about us taking a long time to go back to his house when I “jokingly” asked him for a peck on the lips – he said he wanted to make sure I hadn’t given his friend a BJ. I laughed and acted as if nothing happened.

When I got back to OGF’s house I was very drunk by this point. I was flirting with Trainer. Later, he offered to take me home but I declined – I wanted to spend more time with OGF because I didn’t know when I would get to hang out with him again. Trainer insisted he would not try anything sexual with me but I assured him this wasn’t my concern. I just wanted to talk to OGF.

Trainer left and OGF and I prepared for sleep. I have spent the night with him before and nothing but cuddling occurred so I didn’t feel any hesitation joining OGF in his bed. And changing down into my boyshorts and his t-shirt in front of him. It’s true – I wanted him to feel slightly turned on by me but I had no intentions of anything else.

We were lying in bed chit-chatting about some guy who I recently dated and all of sudden – he kissed me. Our first kiss, ever. After eight years. I was so confused and excited. I mean, I was laying there kissing my oldest guy friend. Someone I love (as a friend, it’s true). Someone I desire.

At this point, I thought the voice inside my head would be yelling, “Stop! What are you doing? This is crazy!” but nothing like that was being said. This also has nothing to do with my being drunk since because of my sexual guilt, this voice never shuts up usually during sexual encounters.

But honestly, it just felt right.

He then went down on me. I’ve never let someone do this to me before I’ve first given them head. It’s a boundary thing. I don’t like feeling so vulnerable in a beginning encounter. But, I just wanted it. And for the first time, I was just going with want I wanted.

Later, I reciprocated while he held my hand. I thought surely, I would get him off from this. I still had no intentions of having sex with him. I was sure this would go under the “everything but” category.

He then though moved me off and starting kissing me again. Passionately. I’m not surprised by how well we kiss together. I told him I felt he was getting too close to having sex with me. And he pleadingly said my name saying we didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to. The way he said my voice was filled with so much emotion it made me feel assured I wasn’t making a mistake. This wasn’t a casual meaningless encounter even if we aren’t in love.

I asked him to put on a condom just so I felt safer with him being so close to me. He did so and we kissed a little more and then all of sudden with no words exchanged, he entered me.

And here I was, having sex with my #2, and it was with OGF. I thorougly enjoyed myself while we had lingering sex. It felt sweet but not romantic and that was all I needed to get me over my second person hump (pun definitely intended).

T. Rex – “Diamond Meadows”

August 8, 2007. casual sex, dating, Oldest Guy Friend, platonic, sex, sexual guilt, single, T. Rex, trainer, Uncategorized. 4 comments.