Recently, I began reading Men in Love by Nancy Friday. This is a key book on men’s sexuality. Of course, women’s sexuality is discussed as well to compare and contrast.
In the chapter on masturbation, Friday writes, “Telling her [women in general] to masturbate now is like telling her to get used to substituting self-stimulation for the love of another person” (38). This reminds me of a blog I recently commented on: www.sexnlovebites.wordpress.com. The author muses that she wishes she could separate sex from love. Often times, women feel they must be unlovable unsexy losers for masturbating. In fact, you’ll often hear women say, in reaction to many men’s defensiveness over vibrators (a whole discussion unto itself), that a vibrator cannot cuddle with them after they orgasm. Sexuality and affection is very tied for women. Therefore, sometimes, for some women, sex without a partner seems perverse.
Men, on the other hand, view jacking off as just another option in the realm of sexuality. It took me a long time but I now see masturbation as a viable, sometimes preferable, option.I never masturbated – not once – prior to losing my virginity. One can say that prior to “going all the way,” my “everything but” sexuality left me very stunted sexually.
However, after I began having sex, I wanted to explore my sexuality more. My ex-fiancé is far from sexually adventurous so well, that left with me with myself. Our sex life was very lacking, in my opinion, and usually sex with him just seemed like a chore.We literally had sex about once a month. My ex-fiancé thought he was dating a woman with absolutely no sex drive but, in reality, I simply preferred she-bopping to sex with him. He was incredibly threatened by the idea of me masturbating so I never revealed to him the truth. Of course, with my background of sexual guilt, his attitude didn’t help things but I pursued because masturbating was usually more fulfilling than sex with him. For a number of reasons. While I always came with him, sometimes it just seemed not worth the effort on my part. He always brought me to orgasm through oral sex but actual intercourse never lasted more than oh three MINUTES. So, it didn’t seem worth the mess, really.
Now, that I’m single, masturbation is usually preferable because sexuality with a partner involves emotional entanglement on some level, even if you don’t want it to. Additionally, an orgasm is simply a quick, easy means for relaxation. Finally, masturbation can be seen as a preventative measure for the single! Sometimes, I just want to get off. I would rather masturbate too then become so lustful that I end up hooking up with a less than savory guy.
My name is Harlow. I am in my mid twenties. I went to Catholic school my whole life until college (much more on this is sure to follow). College educated. Background in sexuality.
And, I’m recently single after 4 years of being in a relationship (2 of those years I was cohabitating). The relationship ended after a very brief engagement. I will explore the ending of this relationship more, I’m sure.
I realized that I have not had enough dating experiences and sexual experiences to commit to someone right now. Some things that highlight this lack of experience:
1. I have only had two serious relationships. One was on-again/off-again from the ages of 16 to 19. Next, a few months after finally ending things with my first love, I met my now ex-fiance. I was still very much on the rebound after being very hurt but I ended up staying with him for just under 4 years.
2. Although I focused on human sexuality in college I have had only one sexual partner. And I didn’t “lose” my virginity until I was a month shy of turning 22. And that was with my second boyfriend.
3. The above has to do with me having an inordinate amount of sexual guilt. See why I thought it was necessary to mention I once was a Catholic schoolgirl!
So, after ending that relationship, I have decided to go on a dating and sexual journey.
I want to write this blog to explore this journey of mine. I’m sure it will be a bumpy ride but will most certainly prove entertaining for you, dear reader.
P.S. You may notice that I will be titling my blog entries with song lyrics. I will give credit to the song and band at the bottom of each entry.
Rolling Stones – “Sympathy for the Devil”